


All these words I don't just say

by Laevateinn



Series: SPN's Season 15 codas and inspired stories [5]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Coda 15x18, Episode: s15e18 Despair, Hurt No Comfort, Screw the 'Bury your gays' trope, Unrequited Love ?, can be read as Destiel or not, not a fix it, omg I never thought I would that in a Destiel fic, ref to 1x04 (Dean trying to calm down), the handprint, written before 15x19
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-14
Updated: 2020-11-14
Packaged: 2021-03-09 18:15:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,413
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27560605
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Laevateinn/pseuds/Laevateinn
Summary: A coda that takes place directly at the end of 15x18. It's my way to cope because this episode BROKE me.exerptSam let go of his arm when the world stopped moving, took a deep breath as they started walking towards the door and opened his mouth. He didn’t get the time to say anything, because Jack arrived from the hallway.“Dean !” the boy exclaimed, smile appearing on his panicked face. He turned his head towards Sam, then back to him. “I couldn’t find Cas. Where is he ?”The next instant, Dean’s legs gave out. He would’ve crashed on the floor if Sam hadn’t caught him up by the arm. On his left, he heard his brother gasped. “Dean ?” He asked tentatively.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester, Dean Winchester & Sam Winchester, Jack Kline & Dean Winchester, Jack Kline & Sam Winchester
Series: SPN's Season 15 codas and inspired stories [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2014942
Comments: 7
Kudos: 74





	All these words I don't just say

**Author's Note:**

> Hi there !
> 
> This episode destroyed me. I'm not big crier usually, but I started having teaers in my eyes as soon as Cas said "I'll go with you", then I started crying at the very begining of his speech and didn't stop until 10 minutes after the end of the episode. Then I moped around or 3/4 days until I started actually writing this.  
> I'm happy they acknowledged Castiel's queerness but... Bury your gays strikes again. I mean even Misha said it. So as soon as the pure sadness left I got angry. Must have picked that from Dean lol
> 
> Also, apparently Jensen got a lot of hate ? I mean, people, okay, he hasn't been a big fan of Destiel (and I can understand, he seems like a very private guy and been almost harassed by the same question again and again... well for sure I'd start being annoyed) but to put it on him... He's not the one responsible for his character ! Sure, the actors can change small things but not the entire character.  
> Also I think it's the first time we actually see Dean sob like that ? With the exception of Mary's death and maybe one of Sam's ? 
> 
> Well anyway I hope I made him justice ! Let me know.
> 
> Cheers !

Dean could hear a faint vibration coming from somewhere to his right. It didn’t last long, but it started again a couple of minutes later. Or was it more than that ? It didn’t matter, it would stop soon.

After some minutes, or hours, he let his left leg slide and lay flat on the ground, taking away the support for his elbows. As his hands no longer obscured his face, he let the back of his head lean against the wall. His eyes opened on impact, and his gaze landed onto the ceiling. He stared at nothing for a long time, tears trailing down his face.

Dean hadn’t budged an inch when he heard a sudden commotion and footsteps coming closer. He didn’t move when he heard his name shouted, louder and louder. He didn’t move when he saw a glimpse of movement from the corner of his eyes. He didn’t move until the distressed face of his brother was directly placed in front of him.

“Dean. DEAN.” A life’s worth of care for his little brother made him blink when his brain registered the panic in Sam’s voice.

“S… Sammy ?” he rasped, before clearing his throat.

“You’re alive !” Dean frowned. “I’ve been calling for hours, you weren’t answering !” Had it been that long ? “We thought you were dead.”

“I’m not.” He was still alive, even though he felt detached from outside his body at the moment, like a spectator.

“They all disappeared Dean. Everyone from Apocalypse world.” Pictures of the refugee’s faces flashed in his head. They were supposed to be safe, with their friends ! “And then-”

Jody. Jody was very competent, she was cold headed. “Have you called the others ? Surely not everyone could have been there. Maybe Jody-”

“Dean.”

Garth ! Garth had a network. “Or Garth ? Maybe they managed to save someone.”

His brother gripped his arm, rendering him silent. His face had grown ever more distressed. “You don’t understand. They ALL disappeared. There’s no one else to save, everybody’s gone !”

Dean felt himself frown. Gone ? No, they had to be somewhere.

“Dean, we drove for hours. We didn’t see anyone.”

The enormity of the situation was slowing starting to register. Chuck was preparing his ending. “I need a drink.” The whole bottle. Their entire stock even. Sam extended a hand to his brother and lifted him up. Dean felt dizzy for a few second, getting up quickly after having been on the floor unmoving for so long.

Sam let go of his arm when the world stopped moving, took a deep breath as they started walking towards the door and opened his mouth. He didn’t get the time to say anything, because Jack arrived from the hallway.

“Dean !” the boy exclaimed, smile appearing on his panicked face. He turned his head towards Sam, then back to him. “I couldn’t find Cas. Where is he ?”

The next instant, Dean’s legs gave out. He would’ve crashed on the floor if Sam hadn’t caught him up by the arm. On his left, he heard his brother gasp. “Dean ?” He asked tentatively.

The older Winchester raised his eyes and met his brother’s. He already knew but was probably trying to keep hope. Dean squeezed his eyes shut for a few seconds then planted them back in Sam’s. “He’s gone Sammy.” At this, his brother wrapped his arms around him, sniffing before lifting his left arm and pulling Jack to them.

They parted a few moments later, each of them wiping their faces before they went to the library. Dean grabbed a glass and a bottle then sat in front of Sam and Jack.  
In the end, he didn’t even start to drink. He poured himself some whiskey then stared at it.

“Dean, what happened ?” Sam asked with a quiet voice.

“Turns out that I killed Death again.” Dean scoffed. It wasn’t very funny though. But that’s what he usually did, joke.

“What do you mean ?”

“That wound on Billie. She said it was fatal, and she was going to die soon. Then she said that before that, there was something she wanted. To kill me.” She had been _so_ angry. Really, he first -and wasn’t crazy to think that- Death had been a lot calmer. “She chased us all the way to the dungeon. Cas managed to keep her out with a sigil, but … we knew it wouldn’t hold long enough for her to die.”

Dean stopped talking, still staring at his glass. The moment Cas found his idea replaying in his mind. He had turned, face set with resolve. Had it really been the only solution ?

“Dean ? What happened after that ? Did Billie…” Sam trailed off, probably not trusting himself to continue.

Dean shook his head. “No. The sigil worked for a time. It was the empty.” The hunter heard a sharp intake of breath and snapped his head up. Then he saw Jack with his mouth half open, a frown appearing on his grief-stricken face.

“You knew ?” roared Dean. The nephilim opened his mouth but he didn’t let him speak.

“You knew about the deal ??” Dean shouted, rising on his feet and slapping his hands on the table. Suddenly it was as if the numbness that had taken hold of him had completely disappeared, to leave place to anger.

“Dean please, calm down” Sam asked, getting up as well.

“Don't tell me to calm down !” He shouted at his brother. “You knew about the fucking deal that cost Castiel's life ? And you didn’t say anything ?”

“He made me promise not to say anything.”

Bullshit. “And what ? You should have told us anyway.” This was too big to be kept dammit.

“I kept my promise. Besides, he told me one day that he knew he couldn't have what would make him truly happy." The nephilim looked down and Sam placed a hand on his shoulder. "He told me he was safe." He added after a few seconds, voice breaking on the last word.

It made Dean bite back his next words. He took time to actually look at the two people in front of him. Jack, still looking at his feet, tears running down his face. His brother, taking glances between the two of them, looking lost but trying to comfort the boy. They were grieving too. They all had lost someone, _everyone_.

Anger wouldn't solve anything. The hunter took a couple inspirations then felt his shoulders sag. "You're right. He told me that himself. He is” was, he realised, _was_. “He was always too stubborn for his own good.” Look who’s talking.

The anger left as quickly as it came, leaving him empty. _Huh_.

“He sacrificed himself. The empty came and took Cas and Billie.” and part of him as well. Dean stood up, his glass forgotten. He couldn’t deal with the other two.

_You are the most selfless, loving human being I’ll ever know._

Was he really, he wondered, halfway through the exit.

“What was it ?” Jack asked, stopping him in his tracks. Hand gripping the doorway, he looked at the boy who had just lost a father. “Me”, he said. Then he turned and left without another glance.

His feet carried him towards his room, and he stopped in front of his door. From the corner of his eye, he could see number 15 ajar. Contradicting his own wants, he took a step in that direction. Another one. And another one. A few seconds later, he pushed the door, revealing the almost bare room. Only a couple of pictures on the nightstand, sheets barely undone.

Dean crossed the threshold then slumped on the bed. He took of the frame. It was one of the rare pictures of the four of them together. They were all smiling. It seemed so foreign. Hell, even just seeing Cas laugh or smile was rare.

_I love you._

It had been his last smile. Dean laid on the bed then slowly lowered his head on the pillow. It smelled like Cas. He shuddered then started humming, eyes never leaving the picture. It didn’t help him though, because somewhere around the fifth verse, tears started to fall down his face. He tightly shut his eyes, then started singing.

_I never opened myself this way  
Life is ours, we live it our way  
All these words, I don't just say  
And nothing else matters_

No, nothing else mattered anymore, he thought, right hand gripping his left shoulder. Nothing else mattered, because he didn’t say it back.


End file.
